


Left on Read

by hydingjekyll



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Letters, M/M, letter format, sorry juyeon.....
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 23:55:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29462376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hydingjekyll/pseuds/hydingjekyll
Summary: A series of letters from Juyeon to Hyunjae, his love, and his realization that their love story ended even before it started.
Relationships: Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae/Lee Juyeon
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I tried something new now and it's uh very personal ig? Warning though!! I am not a gay man living in SoKor (obv) so the context of all the feelings here might not be accurate but I wanted to tell this story and I thought JuJae would be the perfect way to tell my story.

My Beloved,

It has been months since I last wrote to you. I miss you so much. I can’t believe you left me here in South Korea to pursue your studies in Europe. What will become of us then? I know you told me that I should content myself with letters, but these letters lack the warmth you gave me many years ago. I know you told me to be patient, that you will prove yourself worthy of my hand, but I don’t need that. We can escape the prying eyes of society and I can fly to you there, in Europe, where we can be ourselves.

If you’re asking how I am, I am doing well. That is what I want to be, anyway. It is so difficult to wake up everyday without your smile to greet me. My heart yearns for your presence, physical presence, in my life. I know. We agreed that this was for the best, that I would wait for you here in Korea while you finish your studies there, at the other side of the world, but my heart cannot comprehend logic. My heart cannot understand why I cannot be with you.

I saw my mother attempt to encode your letters to me. Whenever the maid gave me your letters, the envelope would have been opened already. I do not need to ask mother if she did it because I know she did. No one else in this house would be invested in our relationship other than mother. Father has been busy with his research work in the government, so he does not have time for trivial things such as letters between two lovers…. But mother…

Anyways, enough about me. How are you there, Hyunjae? Is Europe as beautiful as the pictures say? You should send me pictures you took of Europe. Even when you were in Korea, you have been addicted to photography. We used to develop pictures together… Oh how I miss those days, Hyunjae.

How are your studies? Are you resting enough? I know that you can be such a perfectionist sometimes. You know, you don’t have to be perfect always. You can have flaws. You’re only human, my love. You are not God. And even though you are not perfect, I still love you so, and your friends do too.

I will end my letter here. I hope you are doing well, Hyunjae. Remember that I’m always here for you and I will always support you whatever you do.

With Love,

Juyeon


	2. Chapter 2

My Beloved,

My mother shouted at me when she gave me your last letter. I guess she was growing impatient with the blank sheets she sees when she opens the envelope. She does not know how it works, the invisible ink we use to keep our correspondences a secret and I would prefer it that way. After all, the world will not approve of us together. We are both men. We are viewed as sinful beings in the eyes of God but I shall willingly turn into a demon if it means holding you in my arms. I love you so, Hyunjae, that I’m scared of how much it is.

Anyways, I don’t want to depress you. I’m sure you’re frowning right now. You were always a worrywart when it came to me. Maybe that was why you went overseas, so you can help me escape this suffocating life here in Korea. But, Hyunjae, you were the only piece of thread I was holding unto. You were the only reason I was sane. Remember the times I used to sneak out of my home every night to meet with you near the river? Remember the times we would secretly meet in the library?

Oh, how I miss those days!

Now, we’re trapped in a world of words on this damned piece of paper. The only thing that did not change is the confidentiality we keep. Until now, it seems like our love is a curse. I wonder why God permitted that to happen, to have a kind of love be a curse? We are good people, after all, Hyunjae. We do not steal. We do not kill. How are we not better off than a murderer or a corrupt politician? Why does society frown on us so?

Knowing you, you will reply with a logical answer and you will tell me not to lose hope. The world will smile on us someday. Society will change its mind about us. They will see the truth of this love and that it is not worse than the love of a man and a woman, but I can’t help but lose that hope. I want to escape this place. I want to be with you, Hyunjae. How many days, weeks, months, years will I have to wait for you? How long will you stay there in that foreign land? How long…

I said that I will stop this depressing talk, but I cannot help it. Mother has been pestering me to court a woman but I cannot tell her that I already have a lover and it is you. I know that will sully your reputation here. I don’t want that, not while you’re working hard in Europe to build yourself up. I excuse myself from conversations like that by explaining that I am too busy and that a woman would only feel lonely in my care.

Oh right, that reminds me. I received a job offer from a private school, the one we used to study in. Does that not bring back memories? You always teased me when we were young, calling me names as if the same did not apply to you. You were not as handsome as you think you are, Hyunjae! I have definitive proof of that. I looked better than you. Now, well, my opinion changed. We are equally handsome now. I know you’ll argue with me and say you are the better looking one but I am already bolted into my position. We are visual equals.

Please take care of yourself, Hyunjae, and greet your colleagues for me. I heard Haknyeon and Chanhee also migrated there to study, though I’m not sure what field they will specialize in there. Also, send me the books you are reading! Did you mention Les Miserables? I’m not familiar with the title. Is there a Korean copy of the book there? If there isn’t, I’m okay with an English copy. If there is not, French would also be okay, although I’m not as proficient with French as I am with English.

I love you, my dearest Hyunjae. Forever and always.

With Love,

Juyeon

P.S. Send me more of the pictures you took! They look so professional and can pass as postcards. I love them. I displayed them on my desk so I can always remember you.


	3. Chapter 3

My Beloved,

I love the dried flowers you sent me! They are magnificent and you hid them well. Mother did not open the book you gave me after all. She said that it was good that I was interested in practicing my French. She also mentioned that women loved a man of the world. I wonder then, are you being fawned over by women there in Europe? I know. I know you just told me in your letter that you have your eyes only for me but I cannot help being insecure. We have been taught from the moment we were born that a man and a woman would end up together.

It is odd to point this out to a letter I will send to my love who is also a man but I am scared of our future, my love. I fear what the future has in store for us. ‘Focus on the present’ you will say, emphasizing that you are my present. I mean, true, you are, but society is getting suffocating.

Reminds me, I have something to confess. Mother has matched me with one of her friends’ daughters. Her name is Siyeon. She told me that Siyeon is at the age when she should get married and pointed out that I am too. I rejected the offer already, stating the same reasons, but my mother seems stubborn. I think I know where I got my hard-headedness now.

Every letter you send me, you seem so optimistic about the future. Is Europe that different from Korea then? Are Europeans more open to our existence? Or is their amount of tolerance just higher than Koreans? If so, please take me there. Let me escape with you there. I hate the fact that I have to pretend that you are only a friend, Hyunjae, that you are only a colleague to me when we know that it is more than that. You are life itself to me but I cannot tell them that. I do not want to ruin what my father built up for our family. I do not want to break my mother’s heart because of my selfishness. That goes the same for you, doesn’t it, Hyunjae? You don’t want to ruin the reputation your family built up after generations.

We are in such a complicated situation where odds are against us but even so, I put my trust in you, Hyunjae. If you say everything will work fine, I believe you. I always will.

With Love,

Juyeon


	4. Chapter 4

My Beloved,

It’s odd that you haven’t replied to me in months. I know letters get delivered in months-time but it’s been almost a year since your last one. Are you that busy with your studies now? I should be an understanding partner to you but I cannot be a perfect lover all the time. It’s childish to beg for more of your attention and time but who can blame me? It’s been years since you left Korea to pursue medicine in Europe.

Anyway, I did not write to you today to demand more letters from you. I am in a situation I cannot escape from.

Hyunjae, I’m engaged.

Remember that lady I mentioned before? Siyeon? My parents and her parents agreed to marry us off and I can’t stall it any longer. My only way to stop them from forcing Siyeon on me is by admitting to our relationship. I cannot do that. I cannot do that without you here beside me, Hyunjae. Please come back to Korea. Please crash our wedding. Please be with me.

It is so selfish of me to beg you to return to a place that is full of hate for people like us. I know it is but this is our last obstacle. If we admit that we are in love with each other to them, our love won’t be a secret anymore.

But imagining my mother’s face when she finds out that her son is a homosexual man, I cannot bear that. Can you, Hyunjae?

I guess at one point, we have to choose. I love you, Hyunjae, I really do, but hurting the people I love… I know my mother and I have several disagreements but it does not mean I hate her. At the same time, my father might not be able to handle it if he found out that his son is gay and is having an affair with his co-faculty’s son.

My mind is in a daze now, Hyunjae, and I need you to organize my thoughts. I need your logic now more than ever. I need you more than ever, my love. I need to talk to you, face-to-face, about what is happening. I hope you reply to this letter the soonest.

I hope you come back to Korea as soon as you can.

With Love,

Juyeon


	5. Chapter 5

My Beloved,

This is my last letter to you.

It has been a tumultuous and exciting ride with you but this is where it all ends.

I am writing this the night before my wedding. Yes, I am getting married to Siyeon. I have warned you of this happening and it did. I don’t want to part with you like this but I have to. This was why I could not bring myself to reply to your last letter, because I know this is where it will result to. I know I have no choice but to be wed to Siyeon.

Siyeon is not a bad person. I promise you that. She is as gentle as a spring breeze. She is independent as an old oak. She is so wise that it seems like Athena descended from Olympus and became her. Even though she is the ideal woman in the eyes of many, I cannot erase you from my mind when I’m with her. I am sure she is aware of that. I do not look at her with love, with lust, with yearning as much as I did with you.

Hyunjae, you are my greatest love. From the moment you confessed your feelings to me when we were reviewing for the entrance examinations together, you have captivated my soul. I will never forget how you sang me a lullaby every time I lost sleep because of my anxiety over my grades nor how you slipped notes of your favorite quotes from the books you loved into my bag. You are the sweetest person I have ever met but I’m sorry to say I have to let go of you, Hyunjae.

It is not a matter that I lost my love for you. You still hold my heart in the palm of your hands. But I cannot be the cause for my mother’s biggest distress. I cannot be a disappointment in the eyes of my father. I cannot elope to you in Europe. These years have changed how I viewed my life. I realized that you aren’t the only person in my life, Hyunjae, and you did not deserve someone like me who would abandon you for the family who is clueless about who he is.

Hyunjae, life happened to us. Because it did, we are not the same little children who pushed each other by the lake. We are not the same little children who laughed whenever the other tripped. We are grown men now and we have our place in society. I thought my place was to be next to you, to be the person you smile at every morning, but I guess my love was not as strong as I thought it was.

You don’t deserve me, Hyunjae. Our love story, if we choose to call it that, is not as amazing as I thought it would be. When you left for Europe, I thought it would only be a matter of time when you will swoop me off my feet and carry me into an apartment in Paris or Rome, but I am devastatingly wrong. I had this idealized version of our future that I should have realized sooner that it was impossible. It was the ideal and this, the future in front of us now, is the real thing.

Marrying Siyeon is not the worst thing that will happen to me but losing you like this is. I cannot believe that I am unable to kiss you, to hug you, to touch you, to spend the night with you for one last time. I cannot believe I will never hear the words “I love you” from your lips. But this is our fate, limited to the letters we send each other every chance we got. I contented myself through these letters for how many years but I know it is not enough.

Hyunjae, never write to me again after this. Siyeon does not deserve to know what her husband really is. She will be hurt if she knew the truth, that her husband is someone that can never fall in love with her, that her husband’s heart is with another man. She is too kind to experience that kind of hurt. She is too innocent of the world. She only knows what is in front of her, the norm per se. The truth will only crush her in the end.

Also, as closure, I decided to burn all of the letters you sent me. After this letter, I plan to erase any physical trace of our relationship. It will be dangerous once Siyeon lives with me after all. Do not worry, I will always remember each of their contents as if the letters were my favorite songs. In a way, I am abandoning what we once were and marching into the future with the hand of a woman whom I do not love. Is this the path of unhappiness? Of despair? It may be, but I don’t want Siyeon to feel that way. She was only roped into this by the older people. She does not deserve unhappiness.

Do not think of going to our wedding. You are not invited, Hyunjae. You do not deserve to watch me being married off to another person. No, Hyunjae, please continue your life in Europe without me. Please live happily without me. I guess I am not the one fated to be with you in this lifetime. Fate is pushing us farther apart and what’s farther than Europe and Korea? I may not know any better and you might have another lover there to replace me. Ha. What am I even saying?

Sadness can really drive a person to think silly things.

As I said, this is my last letter to you, Hyunjae. Thank you for all the love and time you showered me with. You will always have a special place in my heart. Lee Hyunjae. I cannot believe I am saying this but now you are my past. You were never my future to begin with. We were naïve, I guess, and we thought we can make this work but we couldn’t.

I love you. I always will. I hope, in the next lifetime, we can be together. I hope, in the next lifetime, it will not be a sin to love an amazing man like you.

Forever Yours,

Juyeon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This is the last letter and thank you for reading this little experiment I tried! Inspo for this is Rizal and Leonor Rivera's lovestory <3


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